Ugh.  I'm coming out of deferment for my student loans after not working/temping since April or so, and trying to figure out the best course of action to take.  There are some new plans out there to take advantage of, which is cool, since the minimum payment is wayyy more than I can afford.  Under the new income-based plan, I can pay half of what I was paying before.

There's also a Public Forgiveness Plan, which if you work in the public sector, after 10 years, your loan balance is forgiven.  So, now I work in public health, and I think I qualify for it.  So the first place I call gives me a different 800 number.  Okay, so I call, and I feel very dumb because I'm not sure what people are asking me, and they aren't elaborating.  Finally, they give me another 800 to call.  That is the wrong number to some sort of "party line."  So I have to look it up online, and get the right number.

I get the right number, talk again to some unimpressed woman who transfers me to (finally!) a nice customer service person who can't tell by my job description if I serve the public or not.  So I just have to ask my boss tomorrow if I'm a public servant and if she says "yes" I can enter that program...ok...and call back.  

Everything's so complicated, why are there eight-hundred 800 numbers? 

 I think this dream started because of a prior conversation Ethan and I had over getting a cat.  I’ve toyed with a kitten idea since my cat died a few years ago, but there really is nothing to replace the love I had for Catlynn.  I’ve seen pictures of cats like her online, and while they have a resemblance at times, it’s not the same.

In this dream it was the same feeling.  I had two kittens and they were white and fluffy, but I remembered thinking “they’re not her.  I was at first playing with them with Ethan, talking about adopting one of them.  We just sat and watched them play and remarked that they were cute.  Ethan was replaced with my friend Shaunda at one point in my dream, but as dreams are, I didn’t really pay it any attention.  The cats became less cute to me, and they took off running  though a strange house. 

It was at this point, I became aware that this was a dream.  I have times where this happens, and know even when dreaming that it won’t last long, and I won’t have long to direct how I want this world around me to behave and act.  Most of the lucid part of the dream is usually spent in thinking “What do I want to do?” before the oddness of dream-reality takes over again, and I forget that I can control what’s going on.

My first thought was: I want to hold those cute fluffy white kittens again!  Then I stopped because I realized there was only one cat I ever wanted to see again.  I ran to another room in the strange house, and there she was, curled up on the bed, just like she always was; a warm little ball.  I pressed my face against her fur and listened to her breathing and her heartbeat.  In real life, she would let me do this, but would get tired of it and eventually swat at me, but in my dream she let me stay.

I remember thinking/saying:  I know I won’t be here long with you, but I’m so glad you’re here.  I can only visit you in my dreams.  I hope you visit me in the dreams that I don’t remember in the morning.  I just listened to her breathing and purring and held on to her.  I don’t know what happened after that, but I assume the dream-state probably took over again.

I remembered all of this when I woke up this morning, and for some reason I still feel teary.  

 i think mel asked about the job interviews, I got neither that I applied for- one called back and was very nice and said they would have really wanted me if they had another space open, but todays economy, blah, blah...

the other was totally unprofessional and disorganized and called me late, was confused who I was, then never called me back on the dates they stated they would...I figured out after a few weeks of silence I didn't get that job either.

I keep plugging away at my crazy temp job, which hopefully will turn into full time work soon.  I like the sense of completion, and the crazy phone calls I get, but I do bristle a bit at having a master's degree and doing administrative work.  It sounds snotty, but I am snotty, so there you go.  I sometimes feel like people think they're better than me because they have a degree, not knowing that I have one as well...it's like having a secret identity.

The apartment looks nice and it's nice to have space again.  It's harder adjusting than I thought.  I keep having nightmares about past events in my life, like my subconsious wants me to work things out.  It seems so sucktastic to me that things that happened so long ago still bother me today, and there won't ever be closure on certain subjects.

I have trouble being happy.

 I have two job interviews tomorrow (well today).  I don't wanna go.  I do, because I need normal hours and better pay, but I'm scared to go back into the counseling field because of the stress.  While my job is mind-numbingly boring (and hysterical) at times currently, I can't live off a temp salary, and it's embarrassing to have to ask your parents for money too keep up month after month.

I always go into jobs not feeling good enough, or like I've tricked them into accepting damaged goods- that i'm not as smart or as quick a thinker as they thought.  I also will dwell on all the what if's and the catastrophes of a situation and feel responsible for everything.  

I resist change, even a change to a new apartment, which makes me want to cry a little when I think of the view.  Things have been so calm, and serene for the past few months, I don't want any upset.  

I'll try to go to bed, and just do my best, and remember not to feel forced into taking anything I'm not uncomfortable with.

night.

This weekend I am finally moved into Ethan's room.  For the first time since I've been 15 I have one place to live.  When I was about that age, my parents separated, and there was always shuffling between two places (and then three with college).  It's always been packing a bag, or needing one thing at one house that's at another.  Then when I dated Ethan long distance, it was packing for the weekend, long drives, and making sure I had all my stuff.  Then I moved up here, which was good, but again, a lot of staying over Ethans, so needing things overnight, or having to go home to shower, etc.

I have one house, and it has everything I need in it, and it's only taken 15 years! 


Yey!

Due to the daunting task of painting a living room,  I've been rewatching Gilmore Girls, starting with season one.  Damn, this show was SO GOOD!  I forgot how good due to the kinda eh last few seasons. 

But one thing started to freak me out- adding up Lorelai's age..."Okay, Rory is 16, she had her when she was 16, so she's...32!!!"  OMG.  I'm 30!  I'm 2 years away from being Lorelai!  This series came out in 2000, and my mom and I followed all the seasons together, and relate to a lot of the mother/daughter stuff.  The fact that I'm moving to the mother's age on the show freaks me out a little!

So here was life back in good old 2000:

"Wow, a whole new millenium and all.  Things are the same- nothing really drastic ever seems to happen-which is both good and bad.  This semester isn't going well- I don't think I'll be getting any 'A's' on subjects I should be- and that upsets me because I don't want to be mediocre. 

I don't even know what to do about boys.  There are some I'm attracted to, but really no prospects.  Everyone seems attached already, but I know I'm not the only one with that feeling.  I just feel like i'm waiting for something.  I know somehow that I will meet someone great, but it feels as though the wait will be a bit longer.  Partially, it's my own fault, but I just can't bring myself to make some boy like me.  It's dumb.  And it's discouraging when you meet a cute boy and he's already attached in a long-term relationship- why are they all like that?

It's late and while I'm not exactly tired, I am rambling about nothing.  My cat is cute though, that's all that counts.  I don't know where my life is going- I can't seem to be motivated or organized.  There are things I know I should do, but I lack the energy to do them.  School scares me so badly.  I just don't know what to do.  in the end, I'm sure it will work out.  But I really want  to be a mystic and sell crystals to new age freaks. sigh.

Love,
Mee


Almost 10 years ago...wow...

Any girl around my age probably remembers getting these catalogs in the mail or reading the books about the "American Girls".  There was Kirsten (who I cried in the first book when they %$#^ killed her best friend on the boat to America), Samantha, the victorian girl, and Molly, the WWII era girl. 

I wanted Samantha SO BAD as a kid, but I not only wanted her, but her entire wardrobe and accessories that came along with her.  Finally a Christmas came along and my mother was letting me pick one of the dolls to get and somehow convinced me to get Molly, because "they look the same, and she has glasses you can take off, and she has blue eyes."  Okay, why not.  Molly was okay, and she did come with some pretty sweet accessories, like a mini backpack with mini primers and pencils and toys.  (She eventually was put into the closet during the Great Doll Sweep of 91 where I was convinced that dolls could animate themselves at night.  I outright sold Cricket, and don't get me started on the self-awareness creepiness of the "Julie" doll...)

Anyway, I went to the Natick mall for my birthday, and there is a huge American Doll store there!  I wanted to browse through for old times sake, and see the dolls, since my only frame of reference was from the glossy catalogs we'd get every year.  I searched and searched for Samantha- my old favorite.  Finally, I gave up and asked a sales person about her, and was told "she was phased out last year and retired, so no more Samantha."  It's not that I wanted to buy her, but wtf?  I guess they've added in like 6 new American girl dolls since I was a kid so poor Victorian era Samantha had to go into retirement.  Poor Uncle Gaurd and Aunt Cecelia...but I guess her books are still around.

I made it though my twenties somewhat unscathed!  I cannot believe I am 30!

I found a website on how to open stuck jars- the one that worked really well was using a damp sponge.  I don't know why i'm so amazed by this.

Does anyone here have suspicious possession of some African Greys?  Is there a black market for birds out there?  If I paint some sparrows grey, can I turn them in for a reward?

I passed my Massachusetts Licensure exam, and I now can add another initial to my name: LMFT.  (It doesn't stand for Lucky Strikes Makes Fine Tobacco as my father says).  I can't believe I passed it.  People always say that "oh, I knew you'd pass" but this exam was REALLY hard.  The pass % was at 69.00, and I passed with a 73.50%. 

I just can't believe it.  Now I get to pay the state a whole lot of money to have my licence! yey!

Why is it that i can fall asleep during the day with no problem, but can't sleep at night?  Ugh, it's 1 am and I'm still wide awake.  I've been up since about 9, and no naps, I should be tired!

I kinda like being back in a state where my licence plate matches everyone elses and I know how to get everywhere again.  But I won't be here long.

I finally caught up with the most recent season of heroes, and I don't know how I feel about it.  I know it's supposed to be comic-booky but the plot twists feel really forced, and I'm not thrilled with it.  Oh well, it's still fun I guess.   I love DVR-ing it to get through the commercials.

The rules:

* post at least five current addictions (with some details, please).
* mention the person who just tagged you- mahzie.
* type your post with the heading “current addictions”.

1. shoes- I can't stop buying different styles, then wear one pair over and over.
2. checking and double checking my blind spot when driving- although that may be a compulsion rather than an addiction
3. reality television- especially shows dealing with fashion like project runway, antm, or what not to wear
4. coffee- or caffine.  I get a bad headache when I don't drink it, so I guess it's now a physical addiction
5. perfectionism, which probably should be listed first.  i have a need to be pleasing to everyone, and perfect at everything.  It causes distress, especially since i can't reasonably obtain that.

I don't know who to tag-whoever feels like answering?  Did i just ruin the meme? am I being perfect yet?

...your dog could turn into a cat!  I was obsessed with this movie when I was little.  




 
Things that could happen on Halloween:
-the above mentioned dog turning into a cat
-there may be a toad in your bass guitar
-sister turning into a bat
-a gremlin will mess up every cassette
-your toenails go long and your hair turns green
-teacher could become a sardine
-dentist turning into a queen (royal or otherwise)
-losing a tamborine

Thank you, Worst Witch!

I have to take my mft exam tomorrow, and i don't waaaaannnt to.   I've been reading up on theories of practice and ethics, and confidentiality, and blahhhhhh.  And it takes like 6 weeks to get your scores back.  that's stupid, because when I took my GRE's, the scores were given to us at the end of the test.  It's costed a lot to just get to this point, and I wanna know the day I take the test! 

I'm acculterating to the Boston, Massachusetts way of life.  It's hard to go from a state where you can pretty much space out and get anywhere you  need to to total dependance on a GPS system to get you a few miles down the road.  I've also become much more aggressive driving and cutting people off.  There's just too many damned people around in the morning, trying to go to work.

My room is in a very nice house, with a very nice girl.  Two sister cats live here as well, and they are very sweet.  I love that I now have a queen sized bed to sleep in instead of a twin. 

Differences in CT and MA
CT: must have handsfree device to talk on phone
MA: Score! Don't need it any more, or keeping it charged

MA: Wow, them Red Sox is sure popular, huh?
CT: It's regional, but theres more of a mix of Red Sox, Yankee paraphrenalia about.

MA: Rotaries.Everywhere.Detours. Everywhere.
CT: No rotaries, not as many detours.

Ugh, back to studying.

I have officially moved to another state. I'm almost done with my first day of work- I have also navigated Boston traffic...amazing!

I just spent two hours being manhandled by my 5 and 7 year old cousins, but it was fun.  They asked me important questions such as "why do you have one earring on one ear and not the other?  Why is it pierced there?  Why is your hair different colors?  Are you going to be a hairdresser when you grow up?"

My favorite was "are you a teenager?" to which I said "No, but thank you for asking me that!" When they found out my age they said "that's olllld!"

They also spent a lot of time coming up with silly names for animals and when I asked where they got their names they said "google".