I just had the chance to start watching Veronica Mars on Netflix at home and just got through about the first half of the first season. We're really enjoying it so far- the characters are pretty well developed, some plot twists we saw coming, but some floored us, and Kristin Bell is really good.

It makes me think of Buffy on a surface level: blonde heroine in high school who possesses super skills solving problems with the aid of friends and father figure. Both of them even used to be super popular until a defining moment in their lives where they're relegated to Uncool KidHell. Hey, both shows even have Alyson Hannigan!

I have to say that as a lead heroine, so far I'm really digging Ms. Mars over Buffy at this point. Veronica just sort of takes her loss of status in stride and has a plan for fixing the wreckage in her life. Most of her plans are like that- she has a setback, and she keeps going- someone insults her, and she basically tells them to fuck off in a CW/UPN appropriate way, but still sounds cool.

Buffy's go-to in most problem solving situation is violence, and will toss off a witty remark (Ethan would disagree on the "witty"). But then she mopes a lot...and I guess it's trying to show us that "see, she is just like a teenage girl!" but it's kind of just whiny. It gets worse and worse as the seasons go on with her continual "I'm the only slayer, none of you know what it's like" speeches.

I think what I'm liking ultimately is that while Buffy was a girl who would try to subvert who she was almost every episode ("I just want a boyfriend, I just want to go to prom, I just want a normal life"), Veronica uses all of her strengths to *not* be just a normal girl- but someone who changes things for the better- and I find that more interesting so far.

I still love Buffy though.

I'm scared to shower in the gross water, but i'm gross enough as it is and need a shower...dilemma...

Ugh.  I'm coming out of deferment for my student loans after not working/temping since April or so, and trying to figure out the best course of action to take.  There are some new plans out there to take advantage of, which is cool, since the minimum payment is wayyy more than I can afford.  Under the new income-based plan, I can pay half of what I was paying before.

There's also a Public Forgiveness Plan, which if you work in the public sector, after 10 years, your loan balance is forgiven.  So, now I work in public health, and I think I qualify for it.  So the first place I call gives me a different 800 number.  Okay, so I call, and I feel very dumb because I'm not sure what people are asking me, and they aren't elaborating.  Finally, they give me another 800 to call.  That is the wrong number to some sort of "party line."  So I have to look it up online, and get the right number.

I get the right number, talk again to some unimpressed woman who transfers me to (finally!) a nice customer service person who can't tell by my job description if I serve the public or not.  So I just have to ask my boss tomorrow if I'm a public servant and if she says "yes" I can enter that program...ok...and call back.  

Everything's so complicated, why are there eight-hundred 800 numbers? 

 I think this dream started because of a prior conversation Ethan and I had over getting a cat.  I’ve toyed with a kitten idea since my cat died a few years ago, but there really is nothing to replace the love I had for Catlynn.  I’ve seen pictures of cats like her online, and while they have a resemblance at times, it’s not the same.

In this dream it was the same feeling.  I had two kittens and they were white and fluffy, but I remembered thinking “they’re not her.  I was at first playing with them with Ethan, talking about adopting one of them.  We just sat and watched them play and remarked that they were cute.  Ethan was replaced with my friend Shaunda at one point in my dream, but as dreams are, I didn’t really pay it any attention.  The cats became less cute to me, and they took off running  though a strange house. 

It was at this point, I became aware that this was a dream.  I have times where this happens, and know even when dreaming that it won’t last long, and I won’t have long to direct how I want this world around me to behave and act.  Most of the lucid part of the dream is usually spent in thinking “What do I want to do?” before the oddness of dream-reality takes over again, and I forget that I can control what’s going on.

My first thought was: I want to hold those cute fluffy white kittens again!  Then I stopped because I realized there was only one cat I ever wanted to see again.  I ran to another room in the strange house, and there she was, curled up on the bed, just like she always was; a warm little ball.  I pressed my face against her fur and listened to her breathing and her heartbeat.  In real life, she would let me do this, but would get tired of it and eventually swat at me, but in my dream she let me stay.

I remember thinking/saying:  I know I won’t be here long with you, but I’m so glad you’re here.  I can only visit you in my dreams.  I hope you visit me in the dreams that I don’t remember in the morning.  I just listened to her breathing and purring and held on to her.  I don’t know what happened after that, but I assume the dream-state probably took over again.

I remembered all of this when I woke up this morning, and for some reason I still feel teary.  

 i think mel asked about the job interviews, I got neither that I applied for- one called back and was very nice and said they would have really wanted me if they had another space open, but todays economy, blah, blah...

the other was totally unprofessional and disorganized and called me late, was confused who I was, then never called me back on the dates they stated they would...I figured out after a few weeks of silence I didn't get that job either.

I keep plugging away at my crazy temp job, which hopefully will turn into full time work soon.  I like the sense of completion, and the crazy phone calls I get, but I do bristle a bit at having a master's degree and doing administrative work.  It sounds snotty, but I am snotty, so there you go.  I sometimes feel like people think they're better than me because they have a degree, not knowing that I have one as well...it's like having a secret identity.

The apartment looks nice and it's nice to have space again.  It's harder adjusting than I thought.  I keep having nightmares about past events in my life, like my subconsious wants me to work things out.  It seems so sucktastic to me that things that happened so long ago still bother me today, and there won't ever be closure on certain subjects.

I have trouble being happy.

 I have two job interviews tomorrow (well today).  I don't wanna go.  I do, because I need normal hours and better pay, but I'm scared to go back into the counseling field because of the stress.  While my job is mind-numbingly boring (and hysterical) at times currently, I can't live off a temp salary, and it's embarrassing to have to ask your parents for money too keep up month after month.

I always go into jobs not feeling good enough, or like I've tricked them into accepting damaged goods- that i'm not as smart or as quick a thinker as they thought.  I also will dwell on all the what if's and the catastrophes of a situation and feel responsible for everything.  

I resist change, even a change to a new apartment, which makes me want to cry a little when I think of the view.  Things have been so calm, and serene for the past few months, I don't want any upset.  

I'll try to go to bed, and just do my best, and remember not to feel forced into taking anything I'm not uncomfortable with.

night.

This weekend I am finally moved into Ethan's room.  For the first time since I've been 15 I have one place to live.  When I was about that age, my parents separated, and there was always shuffling between two places (and then three with college).  It's always been packing a bag, or needing one thing at one house that's at another.  Then when I dated Ethan long distance, it was packing for the weekend, long drives, and making sure I had all my stuff.  Then I moved up here, which was good, but again, a lot of staying over Ethans, so needing things overnight, or having to go home to shower, etc.

I have one house, and it has everything I need in it, and it's only taken 15 years! 


Yey!

Due to the daunting task of painting a living room,  I've been rewatching Gilmore Girls, starting with season one.  Damn, this show was SO GOOD!  I forgot how good due to the kinda eh last few seasons. 

But one thing started to freak me out- adding up Lorelai's age..."Okay, Rory is 16, she had her when she was 16, so she's...32!!!"  OMG.  I'm 30!  I'm 2 years away from being Lorelai!  This series came out in 2000, and my mom and I followed all the seasons together, and relate to a lot of the mother/daughter stuff.  The fact that I'm moving to the mother's age on the show freaks me out a little!